NATASHA / GORNIK

i ate about eighty chocolate covered pretzel coffee caked pumpkin pied french silk whipped cream brownie gingerbread cookies with hershey kisses in the center and green bean casserole covered with fried dried onions which we call derky i watched my nephews eyes light up like, well, Christmas as they opened their presents going back to inspect each and every one afterwards i started and ended the day with Ralphie and the bb gun movie i missed the snow i listened to Bing Crosby sing about Hawaii i laughed with my sisters and brothers and mom and dad and aunt Debby and cousin and Christian i didn’t change out of my dog hair covered jammies and barely brushed my teeth. twas a solid Christmas and i miss them already.

i was going to write out a list of reasons why Santa is most likely bad in the sack but i want a pony and not coal under the tree tomorrow morning and i’ve been such a good girl, naughty only in a consensual nice way i don’t want to piss him off because he is after all real so instead a story:

my first Christmas in New York holiday party open bar at a karaoke joint in chinatown fifteen or seventeen dominatrixes the production crew and the owners of the company the bar was small and cozy with christmas lights and little lamps on each table a small stage in back with a microphone and two large speakers. Sade wore red high heels, that i remember, and i was new to the city new to the company and a little shy and doused it with vodka sodas and shots of jagermeister and soon four of us were in the bathroom kissing and showing each other our tits and it was all very fun and girls gone wild style and over the panties and soon i was back at the bar and someone turned to me and said Tasha and then her tongue was down my throat and i remember thinking her lips were thin and the music got louder and Yas was singing the Eurythmics with Coraline and two others grinding on the table with a small crowd around them cheering and taking pictures with their phones and the room was oversaturated with sexual vibes and merriment and girls were with boys and girls were with girls and interesting goings on in every booth and corner and people were going to fuck people tonight and we stood outside and i wavered from side to side smoking cigarettes and insisted that she fuck me and she said she was too drunk it wouldn’t be good and then three of us in her bed cumming hard around her strapped on cock i think purple him pinning my arms down as i came again and again like seven times and then we were kissing and then he was fucking her and i was watching and listening to her moan i don’t know what else and my eyes were drunk and sleepy and looked like Santa Claus and then we all nestled all snug in her bed while visions of threesomes danced in our heads and wow what a fucking memorable night. Merry Christmas.

i got called an asshole yesterday. Walt and i were walking down Bedford ave after our holiday breakfast and we got into an altercation with a young gentlemen who had a bug snug up his ass. first he called Walt an asshole then Walt called him an asshole then he called Walt an asshole back again then i called him an asshole then he called both of us assholes and it was hands down the most PG rated street fight that may have ever occurred in Brooklyn just three fashionably dressed artist types unnaggressively yelling asshole to each other for five minutes straight. i did, however, compliment him on his jacket as we turned the corner. it was fabulous,striped grey and blue wool with a hood and deserved a mention even during this verbal assault. tis the season. later on that day once i was in Chicago after the flight and my brain crackling migraine after the lady with the squarest most fanlike on the sides ruler flat on top french manicure i’ve ever laid eyes on whom i immediately disliked upon first glance gave me motrin and after i actually felt like an asshole for the judgement no but really those nails are the worst after i figured out that i had left my phone in the taxi in new york after i got into a car accident at the six corners in Wicker Park on my way to get a new phone after i got to the police station and realized i didn’t have a phone to make calls after i asked if the pay phone accepted credit cards and couldn’t understand why it didn’t have a swipey thing on the side after i borrowed two quarters and made my first pay phone call in maybe seven years or maybe longer after they let us go the couple from the other car and i looked at each other and simply said “happy holidays” and then walked our separate ways. this morning i noticed the burnt orange paint from their car on my bumper and craved a cigarette. i ate cookies instead. tis the season.

things that i learned on the plane ride from New York to Chicago yesterday:
-electric toasters kill more people a year than sharks do. so do chair related accidents and elephants attacks and the flu
-Katie Holmes buys office furniture from Pottery Barn
-there is a Human Centipede 2 and it’s banned in the UK
-Casey Anthony eats two sandwiches, cookies, and fruit for lunch. privately
-Snooki has an eating disorder
-gay marriage is now legal in New York

this last tidbit of news had more of an affect of me then the rest. not to take away from Katie’s taste in chairs. today is a joyous day. happy Pride to all.

my favorite boys on the planet. i’m so proud of you.